Everyone keeps asking us, “How are you doing?”
For anyone of you out there who has lost a loved one, you know that the REAL answer is not an easy one, nor a short one. Some days we are good and some days we are not-so-good. Sometimes memories make us laugh, and sometimes they make us cry.
But when people ask us, “How are you doing?” the easiest answer is: “We’re doing okay.” It’s sort of like the commonplace answer when asked, “How are you?” With the answer being “Fine.”
We are doing okay.
We both have jobs to go to and things at church … and we both do a swell job of keeping busy. When you keep busy you don’t have time to think. When we start thinking … thinking about her … it’s easier to realize that we miss her and the tears swell. My worst time of day for thinking about her is early in the morning when I am driving to work. I used to call her on my way to work because she was always awake early as well. I have actually called her phone number a few times while driving to work just to hear her voice telling me to leave a message. So I drive to work and think about her and talk out loud to her … and usually am wiping tears before walking into work.
I have been getting this weary body back to the gym and found a clever thing I can do. After a good workout, I treat myself to some hot, sweaty, relaxing time in the sauna. It feels so good to heat your body all up, open the pores, and sweat out all the yuck. The sweat drips down my face and … no one notices the tears.
And how are we doing with Christmas and all? Oh we put the tree up and some stuff around the house. Ted didn’t feel at all like putting outside lights up. So we didn’t.
I was okay with putting up the tree and even seeing some of Amanda’s ornaments. But it kind of made me sad when I hung the 3 stockings I had … for the 3 daughters I have … or had. Why not hang it? Was I supposed to hide it away? Nope. But it worked out okay. One of Amanda’s previous caregivers and I crossed paths back in November and she gave me this Christmas ornament. So sweet. I hung it with her stocking. It made sense. It was sort of like an “out to lunch” sign that let people know she wasn’t here. No need to fill THIS stocking … she was at a better party.
But life goes on and Ted and I push forward. No use staying ‘stuck’. And how can we live life sad and miserable when we start counting the blessings? Blessings that include such wonderful family and friends. With two other daughters, two son-in-laws, and a grand baby on the way there are reasons to live, laugh, and enjoy life. Although Amanda would have loved to have been “Aunt Amanda” I have to rest in the peace of knowing that she is in heaven now – at peace – and probably happier than we could even imagine.
It’s all just weird … the feelings … and the thoughts … and wondering how I am ‘supposed’ to feel. I’ve never done this before … mourned a daughter.
But Ted and I?
We are okay.
Next blog – “Amanda Sightings”