I like to play games. But I don’t like playing this game.
It feels like …
… like I am forced to play a game of football every day. Now I like to watch football games when it is someone I know who is playing or a big game like the Superbowl. But I don’t play the game.
Oftentimes caregivers are forced to make decisions for the well-being of the loved one they care for. Sometimes that loved one does not understand the decisions that are made for them and may rebel at what may be planned. Doctors, therapists, and caseworkers may not be on the same page with the caregiver and may even fight against your plans and sabotage everything by adding negative comments for the cared one to hear.
Ted and I only want the best for Amanda. Due to health concerns, we have been forced to make changes that she is not dealing well with. We really want her to be happy, healthy, and thriving. But almost every day for the past month I feel like I have to wake up and go play the game. If the football is a measure of where Amanda’s health is and a touchdown is the ultimate good place we can end up with her, then every day I feel like I struggle to gain yardage and move the ball. The defense against me is brutal. Delays in processing the paperwork, phone calls that are not returned, people adding their negative two cents, and misinformation that mucks things up are all defenses that seem to batter me. Some days I look up and I even see Amanda on the other team playing against me.
Yesterday I decided, finally, to have a day where I was NOT going to play the game. I was tired of chasing people with phone calls, worrying about deadlines, and wondering if I was truly making the right choices. I was too tired to play. I was almost too tired to even care. And then …
I just prayed and let it go. I asked God to handle it all. I did just one thing today that enabled us to have more time to make and fulfill our decisions, but otherwise I stopped worrying and I stopped making phone calls. I guess you could say we are in a very long time out.
It is refreshing to not have to wear myself out with playing the game today. It is giving me time to relax and reevaluate.
So if you are a caregiver and you are stuck playing the game – you know what I mean – and I know how you feel. But I have found that it seems like a good thing to demand a time out every once in a while so I am passing on that suggestion to you.
But don’t you worry – I will be back playing the game soon!
I may change my strategy or even try for the field goal.
Hebrews 12:1-3 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.