I guess I must start this blog with an update from my previous one. My Pop passed away on September the 4^th after being diagnosed with Mesothelioma just three weeks prior. In hindsight, I believe he was battling this disease as much as three years ago when his frustrations of being tired kept coming up without a diagnosis. As Pop went to doctor after doctor with growing complaints of fatigue, nausea, weight loss, lack of energy, and loss of appetite, the Meso continued to suck the life out of him. He finally had a biopsy that came back positive for the Meso. The path from diagnosis to death was 3 weeks. Mesothelioma is such a cruel and mean disease with its vague symptoms that creep in and wreak havoc to one’s whole body.

So here I am still raw with Amanda’s passing not even a year ago, and now my father. <<sigh>> Now I know that losing a loved one is not a unique thing to happen to me. I know so many of you out there who have lost a spouse, child, or other loved one. But it’s fairly new to me, and of course I need to share my feelings. May they help you – and feel free to share back.

But the other day … and you all know how there are good days and bad days … but it was a sorta sad day and I was missing Amanda … and missing my Pop. Here was my aching heart with two gaping holes in it and I was struck by how something so full of holes can
feel
so
heavy.
Oh my, what a feeling of emptiness in my heart, yet weighted down with so much sorrow that it’s hard to keep walking … hard to keep your chin up. How can holes feel so very very heavy?

I tried to think of other things that are heavy, while full of holes. Let me know if you can think of any.

But I started to think of this:

I have a friend at my work that is from Sri Lanka. We love to talk food! A couple of months ago, she brought me a plastic container with some ‘Sri Lanka’ sandwiches in it that she had made. The filling layers were made of roasted red mashed beets and carrots. They were beautiful to look at and delicious too. Now I do not like giving empty containers back to people. I like returning them with a treat. I put together a batch of Cherry Coconut Almond Granola and returned the container to her, full of the crunchy sweet treat. Several weeks later, she gave me the container back again – this time with 2 kinds of cupcakes in it that she had baked. Now this past Saturday, my daughter Kristen was in town and since we both like to bake, we made some zucchini bread and some pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. The container was filled with these sweets and returned again to my friend. The same empty container has fused a friendship and given us great pleasure as we fill it and pass it back and forth.

I figure a grieving heart is rather like my empty plastic container. The container is no good unless it has something in it. Sometimes, I have to wait more days or weeks for it to come back my way, but every time my friend fills it with a treat for me, it makes me smile and the container begs me to give back. Such it is with an empty heart. As I hear stories about Amanda, and stories about my Pop, they are like sweet treats to my heart. The stories and memories fill the holes and are like a sweet balm to a hollow heart. And when I give back – THAT is the part that helps with making my heart less heavy.

just Laurel